Tuesday, 6 September 2011


I know I've said this before, but from now, I'm going to try to write a little bit in this blog a few times a week. It won't always be a crazy weird rant like this one here - maybe just a picture or a little video of my thoughts/something random that I like and want to share to see if you like it too. I feel a bit like I've got out of the swing of sharing thoughts (HAHA! "thoughts" just autocorrected itself to "thrust"!!! Let's not go there.) on my blog, and I'd like to change that.

And the topic of this blog…


Independence is something that, until recently, I've not truly grasped. There has always been the comfort of home, having my family around me to reassure my thoughts, comfort me when things aren't going well…and to be honest, when it comes to home comforts I think I've been pretty spoilt. I'm not saying that in a bad way…and I'm not saying that my parents stuff me with junk food and pander to me all day every day - though the cups of tea are always flowing! I mean it in the most positive way possible. I'm very lucky to be part of a household that is very close. I feel like I can tell my parents anything, and I do. So when it came to going to University I wasn't mega sure how I'd get on.. I knew that I'd miss home, but with things like the internet and mobiles, I knew that my family was just a phone call away.

But even with this very strong connection with my family, I found that I was quite strong when it came to living on my own. I didn't find it hard to make my own decisions and be satisfied with my own judgements. I didn't feel scared and I just got on with things. When you have someone there to help you with things all the time it's easy to become lazy, but in the end it's a lot more satisfying to do things for yourself. Before I went to University I felt like a bit of a prude. Well…I didn't consciously feel like one, I just knew that I wasn't the most fun/adventurous person in the world, and I wondered how University life would suit me. Naturally I was nervous, but I never thought that I wouldn't be able to cope. I was lucky enough to be put in a house with some truly lovely people, who I now feel very privileged to call my friends. And I feel that around these friends I can be fun…and it has brought out a side of my personality that I was never sure existed. I'm not saying that I'm a mega rebel who does lots of dodgy stuff and gets into trouble now, but I have realised how important it actually is to not take yourself too seriously. Not that I took myself very seriously before, but I've now realised it's a lot more fulfilling to be a little braver and more confident in who you are…that way you know that your friends really are your friends, and if people don't like you then that's up to them.

When I came back home I found it really hard to adjust. I know it's all in my brain, but when I went away I felt like I grew up a lot over a relatively short period of time and picked up a lot of new of information that I'm now squishing back into my 'at home' brain.

I'm not sure what the point of this little rant is…but I felt that I needed to write something down to work things out in my head.

It's not that I don't like being at home. - I love it, but it feels odd because now I feel like I have another home in Surrey too, and I miss it. Just as I miss here when I'm there.

I guess it's good that I feel this way really. Otherwise I'd be sat on the sofa at home forever, not wanting to leave. I think perhaps that it's just becoming apparent that now is the time when it is completely up to me where I want to go and how I want to be. I need to follow what makes me happy and go with my gut instinct.

As the end of a slightly more 'emotionally eventful' (boyfriend/not/uni/above stuff etc.) year approaches, I'm becoming aware that I need to learn to listen to my gut instinct more and trust what I feel deep down. I realise that there's no point in being lazy and going with the flow, feeling things and not acting on them. Those feelings are kind of precious and rare so should be acted upon whilst they exist.

Thinking about it slightly more clearly now…I think it's a kind of guilt thing. I feel unsettled and odd because I feel like I'm being disloyal to my love for home and family, because I'm enjoying University and the company of my new friends. Which is silly. If I let that stop me then I really would be sat on the sofa forever. What a plonker.

I just need to go with the flow and chill out a bit more I guess.

Ever so slightly confusing and pointless rant over. ;)

P.S - Whenever I feel like I'm whinging about something that's not all that important (like this) I always feel a tad bad about it. It's just me thinking aloud really. I'm not trying to make a specific point…I just think that maybe one day someone might read the thinkety things and think…oh yeah I know that feeling, and now I don't feel silly for feeling it…anyhow. :)

TTFN peoples!

Lots of love xxxxx


Larry said...

'Non-specific' point taken, lol. Thanks for sharing.

Tony said...

Nice to hear your thoughts, however confusing and pointless you think they are. I have to agree that writing stuff down does indeed help to realign said stuff in your head and possibly make a tad more sense of it then before it was writeen out in black and white. (or blue and white if you use a blue pen, which I don't)
Not too certain which thinkety feelings you were on about in last para, but I can identify with confusion, guilt and being a plonker so that all worked 8p.

Hope all your photography sessions worked out well.

mercury said...


mercury said...

OK. The internet explorer killed two of my comments. So i went back to Chrome(LOL).
Was mir bei Deinem Text auffällt ist dieses Vor und Zurück, dieses Ja, aber... Die Dinge scheinen aber nur grundlos; Es ist ja ein Muster enthalten und dieses Muster sagt ja mehr als die Worte. Das Muster hat einen kreativ aufbauenden und einen bewusst bewertenden Teil. Das was sehr schön aufgebaut wird, wird bewertend wieder zerstört. So entsteht dieses für den Leser manchmal quälende Auf und Ab. Vor diesem Hintergrund machen auch Deine zahlreichen Enttäuschungslieder mit ihren Sprüngen und Angriffen einen Sinn. Auch hier ist anfangs ein schönes positives Gefühl und dann ein strenges bewertendes Zerstörungswerk. Ich bin dann immer in der Versuchung, dem Zerstörer zuzurufen: "Nimm Dich nicht so wichtig!"

Kestrel said...

As a father of a kid your age and having been through all that stuff from both sides...

*thumbs up*

your feelings aren't weird, out of place or the least bit of unusual. Welcome to adulthood :) All that stuff proves one thing: you are health, well adjusted and right on track where you are supposed to be.

I have just one thing to add... just as much as all this is hard on you, don't forget it is equally hard on your family.. independence is hard and letting go is hard too. It is universal.. kids need to leave, parents want them to stay (at least in healthy families!)

Good luck.... and stay out of trouble, don't forget you do want people to take you seriously.


yizhivika said...

I didn’t comment on this ‘Independence’ post at the time you wrote it, Holly, but another Facebook friend of mine (a young woman who has recently had a – mercifully successful – operation to remove a brain tumour) posted this 2005 quote, by Steve Jobs, on her Wall, in the wake of his death yesterday. It seems to me to be well-attuned to the spirit of your own post, and I hope you like it :).

“Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma – which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of other’s opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most importantly, have courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.”

Steve Jobs 1955-2011