Friday, 26 March 2010

Contemplation on a comment...

Hi everyone :)

A good friend posted an interesting comment on my latest video...and it made me think...so I'm just going to write down a few of those thoughts...

The comment said that I must have lived a lot of life to be able to write the things I do. Which I thought was very interesting.

It's strange, but I really haven't in certain ways. I don't get out much, my idea of fun is just sat listening to Joni Mitchell on vinyl and watching the world go by from my bedroom window. Or sitting at the top of Tennyson Downs and just thinking.

It's a very innocent way to be I guess. People have commented (in real life...not that YouTube etc. isn't real life - but you know what I mean... :)) that I'm naive and quite innocent, and that it seems like I don't know what goes on in the real world. I'm living as if I were seven still...but I know what the 'real world' is like. Hang on, what is the 'real world'? Surely the phrase is defined by the individual...it has billions of different meanings.

It seems the definition according to teenagers living in England is going out, trying to fit in with those around you to seem 'cool' (whatever that means) - by (maybe) drinking and preferably looking like someone from a magazine. People have said to me (people my own age) - 'You're a teenager! Act like one.' Which I think is ridiculous...that's like saying...'You're an OAP! Act like one!' You'd get a lot more stick for saying that. It feels like they think you should fit into a certain box, and because you don't, it confuses them.

I am who I am. And I like living that way, and I'm not doing anyone any harm, so I'm not going to change. I like talking to people who are older than me because I find what they have to say is interesting and I feel I learn from them. I like reading poetry, because I find it interesting. I like learning about software, because it's interesting. I love music and the effect it has on us, because it's interesting. I find 'interesting' just as fun as (I expect) teenagers find normal teenager-esque things that I'm not inclined to...

Back to the comment...

On the surface...I guess the answer is no. I haven't really 'lived'. But mentally, I guess I have. From the situations and people I've encountered I've learnt to separate what I feel is important from the not so important. - And I guess I've decided on different things to people around me who are my age.

My songs are stories, thoughts and moments based around the things I find important.

The fact that my parents are slightly older parents might have something to do with it. As a child I remember being taught to have respect, good manners etc. and going through school I encountered people who hadn't been taught those things...and I didn't like the look of being shouted at in front of the class, so I decided to stick with my good manners and respect....of course, you make the decisions subconsciously though.

When I think back to my childhood, there are a few things that really stand out.

When it was time for me to go to bed, my Mum would come into my room and say goodnight to me, and sing bits of songs to me. Que Sera Sera, A Mouse Lived In A Windmill and Killing Me Softly. And every other night, my Dad would come in and tell me stories about when he was younger and the things that he and his friends used to do. I used to love that so much.

And I've carried that love of creativity with me. And I apply it to things I encounter everyday. I love how words sound when you put them together in a certain way, and I love making stories out of those sounds. I especially love it when someone else can also relate to what I've produced. Music is deeper than thought, it comes from the core of you and to connect with someone else's core is a wonderful feeling.

And I'm always making up stories in my head. I pretty much live in a fantasy world actually. It's not that I don't know about the 'real world' - it's just that I choose to live elsewhere. It suits me better.

I'm sorry for the long, contemplative, possibly slightly confusing post. (Well, I'M confused. :-S) I was trying to work out the answer as I was going along. But now I realise that there is no answer.

Should have known. ;)

20 comments:

Larry said...

Sometimes you tickle me. It seems to me that you have lived leaps and bounds beyond your contemporaries and have found many things that people seek as the world goes by in a drug induced ignorant shallow bliss. You have so much to be grateful for. And so do we for having you in our lives.
You are an exceptional person. A brilliant artist of high character and I am proud to be numbered among your friends. Keep up the good work! :)

Trevor said...

What a Lovely,sensitive and moving post,Holly and one that cries out for a considered response in due course.I loved the memory of your mum singing to you when you were a little girl.Que Sera,sera what ever will be ,will be...There once was a windmill in old Amsterdam,a windmill with mice in,hardly surprising...Strumming my fate with his fingers,reading my life with his words...(by the way do you know the story behind the song?)The only one missing is When it's Spring again I'll bring again Tulips from Amsterdam.What do you think of suggestions for a pictorial not just of a wink but a HollyWink :)

wolfgang said...

Ich bin mit einem Freund an einem Projekt dran, dass sich ASS (Angst, Scham, Schuld)nennt. Dabei geht es im Wesentlichen darum, dass diese drei Gefühle es schaffen, einen weitgehend unbewussten innerpsychischen Raum aufzubauen, der unser Handeln auf sehr uncharmante Weise bestimmt und der (das ist der Clou) sich selber wirksam gegen das bewusst werden schützt. TV schätzte ja mal 90%(?) Angst im sozialen Bereich. Daher werde ich sehr hellhörig, wenn ich so viele vernunftmäßige Begründungen für angepasstes Verhalten von Dir höre. Du sagst ja selbst, dass angepasstes Verhalten unterbewussten Einflüssen unterliegt. Außerdem sagt mir mein Gefühl, dass in diesem Blog-Text einfach zu viel Harmonie oder besser Harmonisierung im Spiel ist. Du bist mit Sicherheit in vielen Bereichen Deinen Altersgenossen voraus, aber bei der Konfliktfähigkeit sehe ich noch Handlungsbedarf. Dann lösen sich auch viele Identitätsfragen von selbst.
Auf jeden Fall ist ASS die spannendste und befreiendste Angelegenheit seit langer Zeit und auf meinen Freund und mich warten noch eine Menge Entdeckungen auf dieser Reise. Wenn Du Lust hast, mach' einfach mit.

xenonrush said...

Your contemplative musings are always a good read and usually make me smile.
Teenager is a collective noun which encompasses people from thirteen to nineteen with attributes which range from infantile airhead to those who exhibit self possessed maturity. I would place you in the latter group along with my daughter (3 months older than you) and all her friends and I think that is a much better place to be than at the airhead end. The expression on my daughters face when she hears the imbecilic blatherings of some of her age group is a joy to behold. Fortunately most teenagers don’t conform to the generic public image that the tabloid press likes to conjure. And look on the bright side. You’ll be twenty soon and then no one is going to give you grief for not being a ‘teenager’.

You are right about the ‘real world’ and how that relates to the individual. It’s dependent on education, culture, location and circumstance. The term is often invoked when people talk about the more unpleasant aspects of life and how there’s always self-seeking leeches who will make life difficult. My favourite hate figures, religious leaders and politicians spring to mind here but again it’s different for everyone.
So you live in the world you want, fantasy or otherwise ‘cos it seem to be a great place. And as Bob the Bard said “I'll let you be in my dreams if I can be in yours”

Your creativity is what makes you you. I am endlessly amazed at the sheer quality of what you produce and do that wow thing every time I see something new.

In the words of the Beatles:
So please don't ever change,
no don't you ever change.
Just promise you're always gonna be
as sweet as you are

TV said...

You're such a nerd, shame on you, Holly :D

Everytime I read a post like this one, I think you'd probably hate me, if you knew me in person :D
I am loud, I like drinking beer and I am disrespectful in every case possible.
And so are my friends.
What I want to say is:
You are always a victim of your fears (like Wolfgang reminded).
Fear is the instinct, that forces you away from it's core.
The strongest power in life is society, so it's the most powerful generator of fear. And so it forces you either straight into the wish to fit (because you are afraid to be lonesome as a stranger) or to deny (because you are afraid of beeing a drone) society.
That's how two different kinds of people are formed: The ones who live life in the big mainstream and with everything society tells them to adore, and the ones like you and me. We are the ones who think about. And the ones who comment, either in wonder or in disgust.
But that doesn't mean, that they are "really" living life. They are doing it different.
And as I think, they are not really experiencing it. Because experience is about feeling and feeling is about understanding, which is performed by thinking.
And even if you live in a blazing world with big mushrooms and speaking horses, as long as you wonder about things happening, you are living.

Does that fit your theory, Wolfgang? :D

wolfgang said...

Yes, that's the core of the project I do with my friend Klaus. It's a deep going analysis about the mechanisms of anxiety, guilt and shame (AGS). Wow, fellows, this a rich, bubbling well! I never was so excited. Seeing the mycelium at work. We shouldn't think AGS in terms of functionality and find reasons for our own restrictions, we merely should get rid of these awful bindings. And the first step is to regain consciousness about the mechanisms by observing them permanently.
Shame away from all of us! Lol

H said...

@Larry - Thankyou for lovely comment Larry. :) I think I'm the lucky one having you wonderful people as friends. :) I really mean that.

@Trevor - Thankyou for your lovely words. :) - Just reading the words to those songs makes me smile. :)

@WG - Thankyou for the thoughtful comment. - The bits of it that I could get were very wise. :)

@Xeno - Lol. Yes, the teenage years are soon behind me. :-S The media has so much to do with it...it almost paints a picture of teenagers and how they should act. - Some people conform to the image and some want to prove them wrong. I'm lucky to have some lovely friends who are in the latter group. Unfortunately I don't get to spend much time with them as they are at Uni. :(

@TV - Haha. If I'm a nerd, then what are you? Lol. Surely another nerd? ;)
From everything I've read that you've said, I think I would like you. - In fact I DO like you. Lol. You're thoughtful and you're true to who you are/want to be. - I can't think of anyone who I dislike. And I'd never commit to disliking anyone...if you know what I mean. I give everyone a chance until they do something that gives me a reason not to like them! And that takes a lot.
I don't not like people who drink etc. - it's just that I don't like it when people don't like me for not drinking.
Your explanation really makes sense too. Thankyou very much for your comment. - I like the sound of the world with big mushrooms and speaking horses. :) A mixture between Gulliver's Travels and Willy Wonka. Lol.

wolfgang said...

Here is a link to the first "lines" of Robert Musil's "Mann ohne Eigenschaften". Robert Musil discovered the possibility sense, the antagonist of the reality sense.
http://download.br-online.de/imperia/md/audio/podcast/import/2008_09/2008_09_05_11_56_38_remix2_dermannohneeigenschafte_a.mp3

Viel Vergnügen!

wolfgang said...

http://download.br-online.de/imperia/md/audio/podcast/import/2008_09/2008_09_05_11_56_38_remix2_dermannohneeigenschafte_a.mp3

Die Realität, die große Feindin der Möglichkeiten.Lol.

wolfgang said...

OK, there will be a place in the forum.

xenonrush said...

TV said "I am loud, I like drinking beer and I am disrespectful in every case possible."

I though he was talking about me! Clearly a kindred spirit.

wolfgang said...

Reality and possibilities, that's a very interesting topic. We could imagine the whole evolution as a journey from reality to possibilities.A warm-blooded animal has far more possibilities than a cold-blooded one. V.Ramachandran hit the point, when he discovered that human consciousness is connected to qualia. Think of an apple. You are able to make an association to Adam and Eve, to an apple pie, "keeps the doctor away", apple juice, the "Reichsapfel", the lable of The Beatles,.... These qualia are always surrounded by an associative "aura" and that is the fundament of possibilities.

"Ja, ja, Wolfgang ist schon recht. Holly interessieren Deine Betrachtungen kein bisschen.

Meinst Du?

Ich fand es gar nicht mal so schlecht. Na ja, ein wenig oberlehrerhaft schon, aber im Grunde doch nicht falsch, oder?

Aber ob Du mit Deinen Thesen andere begeistern kannst? Halte ich für unwahrscheinlich.

Wieso denn?

Nur so ein Gefühl.

Hmmh."

TV said...

Gosh, I hate it, when this page doesn't publish my posts -.-

Well, I don't really get your last one, Wolfgang. Associative aura as a fundament of possibility? That sounds pretty much like "hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy".

xenon: Good thing! There's nothing more delightful :)

Holly:
Thank you for that, makes me feel a little better for that little light in the darkness of this world... :-D
I'd really like to meet you in person once :D
Oh, are you going to do another BlogTV show some time?

Trevor said...

I'm not at all sure about this,Wolfgang.If I do something wrong it is right for me to feel some guilt and shame.This helps me to make some redress and to avoid the same wrongdoing in the future.If I don't feel these things then the door is open to anarchy which leads inevitably either to totalitarianism or fascism--both of which seek to suppress the human spirit.

What I think is important is to find the appropriate strength of feelings of guilt and shame so that they allow us to become better human beings rather than limiting and repressing forces upon our lives and the lives of others.

I may have misread you,Wolfgang,and if so I apologise.I think there's irony in here but I can't put my finger on it.
Best Wishes,Trevor

wolfgang said...

An interesting thing about consciousness TV is the fact, that it opens up a huge space of possibilities, like warm-blood made it possible for mammals and birds to be more active, faster, more endurable,able to migrate on long distances, able not be immobile at the cold night or in winter, to live in cold regions, to have bigger brains, give birth to bigger offspring or allow active brooding.

Now think, what consciousness allows you to do in contrast to an unconscious state!

Trevor, AGS is very often n o t functional in the sense "it is good for society" or good for me as an individual . When I speak of anxiety,then I mean it in a social context.
I prefer the view of TV, that AGS is good to supress another.
OK I'm grown up in a clerical environment and there AGS is the black milk, you have to suck every day, but Fascism wasn't enabled by the lack of AGS, it was built up in an abundance of AGS. Anxiety, guilt and shame were the columns to stabilize Nazi-Deutschland or the Spain of Franco.

Jim said...

Hi Holly!

That's a wonderful blog post - which in itself backs up what I said! Because as George Harrison quoted in song "The further one travels, the less one knows" (from Taoism, which I don't follow, but studied in college and I remember their beliefs that : "The sage can know the whole world without going out of his door. The further one travels, the less one knows....").

(! have a picture of the above saying on a plaque, but I don't know how to attach it here (look on facebook - I put it there in reply to your post!)

I'm not saying that this is the only way to know the kind of things you seem to instinctively understand (that most people spend a life striving to understand, but never can), but it's one way that some, very perceptive people, can know the world without going out into the world, but rather know this from within, which is pretty much what you said in your blog!

I wish I could write ideas like that in music - in song, but as I'm probably told you, I'm good at the instrumental, melodic and harmonic parts of a song, but terrible with lyrics, however you have the gift of being great at both, which is why I believe you will succeed in music, as long as you stay true to yourself and don't let anyone change you!

Don't listen to those that tell you to be any other way than you are naturally - that would ruin the creativity and insight you have. Many of those whom people thought should change, ended up instead changing those people, and often a large part of the world as well, by NOT changing, but believing in themselves instead. That's the best thing, IMHO, you can do!

JimXX

Trevor said...

Thank you for the clarification regarding individual and societal AGS,Wolfgang,but I still feel that either at an individual or societal level AGS can be either a force for good or a force for evil;it must depend upon the appropriateness of it's application.Like you,as a product of my upbringing,I feel guilt and shame perhaps too readily and too insistently,but find it incredibly difficult to envisage a world without either.All We Need Is Love...da,da,da,da,dah I know -- I really do know --but..?

wolfgang said...

Trevor, you are right. Thinking about it, I discovered a certain group of men, who is not affected by AGS, the sociopathic people. Because the amygdala in their brain is not active, they do not have fear in any way. Amon Göth seems to me a good example. He was able to do horrible things, without feeling AGS. By the way, his daughter Monika is living in Weißenburg and shows me, how difficult it is, to escape the AGS cycle (fourth commandment!!!) .

The problem is shifting now in a different direction, because the conscious influence on AGS is very little, because it is highly automatised. A possible solution seems to me to reflect AGS in daily life and using the non hierarchical structures of the internet to discuss this problem and to gain information.

Trevor said...

Wolfgang,do you think that this is really an anthropological issue? I'm struggling to find the most appropriate way of approaching it.

wolfgang said...

I think it's related to many sciences.
Trevor, AGS is in the brain and between the brains, therefore it is a neuropsychological issue. AGS is heredical and connected to believes but also to very simple conditionings, so it's a issue of history and a new type of genetics.
Maybe that it will turn out to be an issue of logic and math. It's also a strange kind of music. Lol.
I am very interested in your way to approach this rather complex problem.