Saturday, 11 July 2009

Just a feeling

I feel today like I haven't felt for a long time. It's hard to explain what kind of mood that is, but it's one which includes writing in my blog, so I'm sorry - but you may have to put up with a bit of random, meaningless rambling today. ;)

It's the feeling that I had in the long holiday after GCSE. It's a kind of naive...hopeful feeling. I'm not saying that I've been feeling depressed, or in a state of lacking hope...but before the exams, possibly since September, I've been feeling...kind of...flat. A bit nothingy. But during the past few days things have picked up, and that may have something to do with the videos. It feels like I can see clearly again and I'm more aware of my own thoughts. I'm enjoying listening to music again, and it makes me feel like it used to - alive - and passionate. I think passion was the missing component. But now I want to learn, I want to listen and improve. I want to create things and get things wrong so that I know how to do them properly the next time around. I'm going to delve into the misty depths that comprise my own confusing little mind and try to make some sense of what's going on in there.

I was also thinking today about why I feel awkward talking to people. I find it particularly difficult talking with people my own age. When I make friends it always to seems to be on the surface. I feel like I'm not telling them everything. I tend to think...if I can't even understand me then I'm not really giving them a chance. I find talking to adults easier. I like to think about serious things - things that are to do with life, love, real things, the way we are. And because that's led me to think in such a serious way, I find that when I talk to people who are my own age, it feels like I have to 'adapt'. Sometimes Ben and I talk and he tells me to 'be a teenager'. I think he's right, but it's hard to change just like that, and I cant, because my heart wouldn't be in it if I tried. I like talking to interesting people who have stories to tell, rather than learning what's hot and what's not. Fashion doesn't really interest me. I like to wear what I like to wear and if that's what's 'in' then so be it, but I wouldn't change just to be a clone. We're born to be different, so what's the point in being the same? I think nature's giving us a bit of a clue there.

I ought to go now. I'm sorry about the waffle, I just thought I'd speak before I lost the moment.

Night night xxxxx

P.S - I love you guys oxoxoxo :)


LarryC said...

Thanks for sharing that, Holly. Fortunately, we do not *have* to 'be' anything except ourselves. No matter what, we are stuck with that. It seems to me that the dim and uncertain 'path of life' is lighted brightest when we are true to ourselves, and the obstacles are easier to see and walk around.

Yes, we are all very different and can pick and choose what and whomever we like. Honesty and openness fuel the lanterns we can carry along, and the cards will fall where they will fall. For sure, you are now on one of the most challenging legs of your path and your light will surely shine brightly and naturally to guide you along.

I am just thankful that there is a 'real' Holly in this world to counterbalance some of the abundant 'unrealness'. May your light shine with all blessings for you are one of Heaven's brightest stars!

Wolfgang said...

Some particles of thinking from me to you:

Exclusion versus inclusion. Progress,growth, expansion.
Truth versus me.

I say to you: "You do not have to justify being different!"
That would not help. Water is leaving the feathers of a duck.

Is there an escalation without progress?

The more often I think of reality, the less I know. It has to do with bottom and layers, that is for sure.

TV said...

For some reason, your "waffle" is more meaningful than most of that stuff, which is interesting or serious for other teenagers...
So, why should you try to be one of those?
It's like Kant once said: "Aufklärung ist der Ausgang des Menschen aus seiner selbstverschuldeten Unmündigkeit."
This is a thing you have found, others didn't, and I'm pretty sure, they won't.

mum said...

What wonderful and meaningful comments gentlemen - thankyou!
How lucky Holly is to have friends like you :)

Wolfgang said...

Holly, ich werde den Eindruck nicht los, dass Du über etwas verfügst, dass Dich Dinge "direkt" wahrnehmen lässt. Andere müssen es sich mühsam ableiten. Du siehst, fühlst es "direkt". Es könnte eine Art von Synaesthesie sein. Auf jeden Fall lässt es Dich in bestimmten Bereichen Entwicklungsschritte mit hoher Geschwindigkeit vollziehen, wo andere sehr lange brauchen. Es wäre eine Erklärung, weshalb Dir Erwachsene im Gespräch näher sind als Altersgenossen, an die Du Dich "adaptieren" musst.
Dies stellt Dich vor das Problem
diese Differenz zu anderen Jugendlichen zu erklären. Da Du aber nur Deine Wahrnehmung kennst, ist das gar nicht so einfach.
Das Ausmaß Deiner musikalisch-poetischen Begabung ist, milde gesagt, ungewöhnlich, Deine Kreativität ebenfalls. Du bezeichnest es als Empfindsamkeit , aber es geht darüber hinaus. In Deutschland würde man den Begriff "Hochbegabung" wählen. Der ist aber recht unspezifisch und gefällt mir deshalb nicht. Ich würde behaupten, dass Du über einen größeren "Empfindungsraum" verfügst als der Durchschnitt. Das ist aber bestimmt nicht alles.
Mehr kann ich dazu im Moment nicht sagen, ich denke aber weiter, insbesondere über das Problem der "Eigenschaftslosigkeit", das die Berufswahl erschwert, aber von den meisten Menschen nicht verstanden wird.
Liebe Grüße aus Neumarkt.

Wolfgang said...

A part of my senseless projects:

Universal poem

This poem is for daily life,
for me, for you and for my wife.
It's for really everything
in summer, autumn, winter, spring.
It's universal, general.
Useful in heaven a n d in hell.

Ein Werkzeug für die Nacht, den Tag,
für alles, was ich hass' und mag.
Es steht am Anfang und am Ende.
Es fliegt ins All und geht durch Wände.
Abscheu ist's und Hochgenuss.
Doch leider, leider ist jetzt Schluss.